Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
