you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
