in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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