we made out on top of his cat.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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