I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
