I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
