he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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