he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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