Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
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Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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