That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
