I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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