just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
