Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
