It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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