I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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