Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
