I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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