i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
