Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
