Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
