I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
