how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
