I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
