and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
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He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
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I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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