One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
