Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
