the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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