I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
