we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
