I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
