there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
