There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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