I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
