It was confusing and full of hummus
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
