I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
