I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
