I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
