if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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