how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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