Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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