What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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