just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
