I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
