i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
