Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
