I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
