shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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