matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
