I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
