ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
