Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
