Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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