Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
