Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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