Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
