Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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