Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
