I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
